Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
