A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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