The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
