I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
