Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
