My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
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When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
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To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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