This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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