Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
