Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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