I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize