Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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