Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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