Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
