all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
