ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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