this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
