Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Someone shattered a urinal.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
