and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
