We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
