i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
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Let's paint friendship bongs
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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