i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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