They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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