Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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