If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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