I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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