Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Quick, to the slutcave!
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Randomize
