According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
