Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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