i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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