Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize