i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
