and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
