Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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