Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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