just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
