HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's shark week go big or go home
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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