can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
