I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
