i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
