I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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