I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
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The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
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I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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