A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Randomize
