I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
please come you make the beer taste better
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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