I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
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i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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