dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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