Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
