Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
