Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
