i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
