Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
