Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
