Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
