I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
