you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
