Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
