apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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