just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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