Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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