my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
