addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
