dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
